DESCRIPTION
Age: A couple of days, released November 11, 2011 in theaters all over the world (may already be illegally available for download on some Internet video sharing sites)
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Naomi Watts, Armie Hammer, Judi Dench
Director: Clint Eastwood
Color: Color
Running time: 137m
Nationality: USA
Scars and Marks: Obvious old age makeup that can appear pasty and fake
Remarks: Has an authentic look and feel for the 50 year time span it depicts (circa 1920-1972), including clothing, locations, cars, tape recorders, and other props
Fingerprint Classification: I M A G I N E Entertainment

                                                                     CINEMATIC RECORD
J. EDGAR, an impeccable-looking film, contains scenes and storylines that depict the long-time director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, J. Edgar Hoover (hereinafter referred to as “Hoover”), as an enigma whose lust for power and fame and his questionable methods to hold on to that power is explained by a domineering mother, who also may help explain his chaste and closeted homosexual relationship with his loyal but frustrated deputy, Clyde Tolson.

                                                                                CAUTION
J. EDGAR IS WANTED IN CONNECTION WITH THE CINEMATIC CRIME OF IMPERSONATING A FAMOUS HISTORICAL FIGURE AND ATTEMPTING TO CAPTURE THE TIMES IN
WHICH HE LIVED, HIS PERSONAL LIFE, AND THE CULTURE OF FEAR THAT ALLOWED HIM TO ACQUIRE AND ABUSE POWER FOR HIS OWN AGGRANDIZEMENT.

A FBI (Film Biopic Impersonation) warrant was issued on November 14, 2011, in Denver, Colorado, charging this film with identity theft whereby Leonardo DiCaprio adeptly inhabits the role of Hoover with all of his quirks, passions and foibles (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 789). A warrant was also issued for violating drug laws in that J. Edgar promotes the view that power itself can be an abused aphrodisiac (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 125). An additional warrant was issued for violations of civil rights laws where J. Edgar shows Hoover taking the law in his own hands and bending the Constitution (such as regarding extraditions, privacy and searches) during times of social and political strife for his own ends and his fixation on communist insurgents and ideologies and other threats to the nation’s security (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 122). A companion warrant has been issued for Hoover’s mother in connection with the psychological abuse — including acute judgmentalism, extreme pressure to succeed, and obsession with gaining social status and stature — of her son, which J. Edgar alleges explained Hoover’s lust for power and fame as well as his repressed homosexual tendencies (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 14). Further infractions include fashion violations in that Hoover may have put on a dress in times of severe emotional stress and pathos (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 7), old age make-up malfunctions (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 8), and fashion nazism involving Hoover’s insistence that his agents be impeccably attired and conduct themselves as he would (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 9). A warrant was also issued for fraud and historical fabrication wherein J. Edgar depicts Hoover manufacturing his personal, heroic arrests of famous criminals, such as the purported Lindbergh baby kidnapper (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 554). A warrant was also issued for sexual perversion in showing Hoover’s obsession with the sexual appetites of others that he uses to blackmail them so as to keep himself in positions of power, bring down those he believed to be subversive, and helped him get what he wanted (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 69), as well as proving voyeuristic
compensation for his own sense of homosexual (and sexual) repression (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 70). A further warrant was issued for the crime of overcompensating for personal inadequacies wherein Hoover created the criminal forensics lab as a way to get an advantage over the macho cops out in the field doing the dangerous, glamorous, and manly work of arresting, capturing and killing violent perpetrators (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 342). A further warrant was issued for violating cinematic “color” laws by depicting a flawed character in both a favorable and unfavorable light instead of in simple black and white terms (Title 18, FBI Code, Section 2).

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS FILM, PLEASE NOTIFY THE FBI OF ANY OTHER CINEMATIC TRANSGRESSIONS YOU MAY HAVE WITNESSED.
CONTACT INFO IS LISTED IN THE MASTHEAD.

Doug Young is the film reviewer for The Statesman. He also works as an environmental advisor for Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper.