MOVIE REVIEW
The Zero Theorem
The cinematic replication theorem
by Doug Young
Starring Christoph Waltz, David Thewlis, Melanie Thierry, Lucas Hedges, Tilda Swinton, Matt Damon; directed by Terry Gilliam
The main character of this film becomes reclusively obsessed with receiving a return call of a previous land-line phone call from someone that he believes will tell him the meaning of his life. It seems that this film itself was just phoned-in from other “movie calls.” And yet it never got the full messages as the film seems unfinished, aimless, derivative and… empty. Case in point: Here’s a playback of some of its formative voicemails:
“Hello, The Zero Theorem? This is 12 Monkeys, that film starring a bald Bruce Willis who travels back in time to stop an epidemic that decimates the world’s population. Willis’s character — a tormented soul in
bad physical and mental health — is at the mercy of larger forces that control all aspects of his life and yet he tries to be an individual. Oh, and there’s also a critical plot point involving a message from a telephone call. Why not have your film feature the same sort of thing — a completely bald, tormented,
sickly, mentally unstable central character played by…how about Christoph Waltz?… who’s also a loner at the mercy of larger forces that are trying to discover ways to promote human happiness and meaning, and where he also awaits a critical phone call that will explain everyt . . .” [the rest of the message is cut off]
“Hey, is this The Zero Theorem? Hi, this
is Minority Report. You might remember me, I
was a film by Steven Spielberg starring Tom
Cruise as a police officer in a futuristic divi-
sion in D.C. where entities called ‘precogs’
could see crimes before they occur so that
officer Cruise could arrest them before they
actually committed the crime. The people of
this future world were identified by the their
eyes and scanners could pick up each indi-
vidual’s retina and tailor commercial adver-
tising to them personally as they walked
down the sidewalk, rode on public transit,
visited a shopping area, etc. Why not add
this to your film — that is, have the future
world depict commercialism run so amok
that ads read who is walking and target
products to them as they travel along the
street? It could be a nifty special effect. And
it could explain where humans are headed
and why we are . . .” [the rest of message is
cut off]
“Hello? Hello? Is this The Zero Theorem? If so, I just wanted to tell you about my film called The Fifth Element. In case you don’t remember, I was a movie set in a futuristic world where a character, played by Bruce Willis, has to get a woman to a location in the desert to save the planet from destruction from aliens. There’s a lot more to it than this, but it would take too long to explain. Anyway, people in this future world all wear wild, outlandishly flashy hairdos. Maybe you could use the makeup artist I used. It always helps to provide an atmosphere of dystopian otherworldliness. Besides, when viewers see
these colorful kooky hairstyles, they begin to contemplate where humanity is headed, which is right toward a sw . . .” [the rest of message is cut off]
“Yes, The Zero Theorem? I’m calling to
tell you about something called The Matrix.
Everybody’s heard about it. It’s where reality
is virtual and humans are slaves to the
machines that they created. Their lives
revolve around the computer and are
connected to it and the space it creates
through cables and wires. They don’t even
need their physical bodies anymore or
venture out into the ‘real world’ as their lives
are all inside their heads. That’s the future we
have in store for us and your film could
underscore this vision by having everyone
spend all their lives toiling away on
computers trying to solve equations and
thereby never having to leave the house. If
we are not careful, our lives will be so
disconnected that we lose all mea . . .” [the
rest of the message is cut off]
“Yeah, hi, I’m trying to reach The Zero Theorem. This is Alien. I’m a film about your deepest fears. You might remember me most from the monster that tore out of a crewman’s chest while on a spaceship filled
with ore that was returning to Earth but stopped off to investigate some SOS on an uncharted moon. Or, the spider-like monster that hugged the crewman’s face that deposited the gestating monster that tore out of his chest. Well, never mind that. I wanted to talk to you about the evil corporation that
sets all of this in motion — a corporation that knows of these alien creatures and views the crew as expendable in order to secure the alien, make a profit and control humans. You should feature such a
narrative device in your film — an equally spooky and mysterious corporation that runs everything trying to secure profit and fulfill its mission and seeing people as expendable.
The corporation’s motives are murky, but it needs to have humans ‘crunch’ numbers into a
computer to try and prove ‘the zero theorem’ which is about the meaning of life, even
though no one knows what they hell that’s all about. But the corporation has endless resources and is never overseen or controlled by anyone. But one worker — a reclusive bald loner — tries to learn the truth about the mission and finally glimpses the internal workings only to find that hum . . .” [the rest of the message is cutoff]
“Hello, it’s me again, The Matrix. Sorry
but I forgot to mention that I have a character
I wanted to tell you about. He is a young,
geeky male who’s a wiz when it comes to
computers and technology. He thinks he
knows what’s up with the world and how to
manipulate the system to succeed and
triumph over those that would repress and
enslave humans. I think you should also have
a character like this — a young kid who’s a
master at computers and who can act as a
guide for the bald main character as he tries
to understand the task of mastering a mathe-
matical computer program and beat the
system. Like in my film, he can get in over
his head and learn the hard way that his
rebellious attitude can get him into serious
trouble and be crushed by the larger forces
he seeks to master. This will impart the true
meaning of our existence in this intercon-
nected world as the young man is trying to
tell us tha . . .” [rest of the message is cut off]
“I’m hoping to get in touch with The Zero Theorem. This is the movie Brazil. I was made years ago and was based on George Orwell’s 1984. I showed a dystopian future where bureaucracy runs amok and people are packed into gloomy living spaces where their every move is monitored and recorded.
Just thought you might want to include similar round-the-clock spying on people with cameras that are hidden in plain sight. That way you can show how our ever-present connection invades our privacy and turns us all into numbers, statistics and consumers. Of course, the deeper meaning here is obvious and can be explained by a look at . .
.” [the rest of the message is cut off]
“I’m sorry. This is 12 Monkeys again. Did
I mention that I possess a beautiful woman
character who falls into the orbit of the bald
main character and tries to help him achieve
his objectives — no matter how obscure and
incomprehensible they may be — even as
she may have ulterior motives and yet
develops feelings for him? Well, if I forgot,
I’m telling you now so that you can add such
a character to your film. It always helps to
spice things up and add a romantic element
to provide complications while providing
deeper meaning about how we . . .” [the rest
of message is cut off]
“I’m just leaving you this message to suggest that you include something that I had in my movie, which is called Her — did you see it? It was with Joaquin Phoenix as a reclusive loner who installs a computer operating program to help manage his life and computer. The program has such a realistically simulated personality that he falls in love with it and it becomes a real person to him who helps him with his personal troubles and becomes a regular companion. You should have something like that for your film
where a computer program — taking the form of Tilda Swinton — can become a realistic counselor and advisor to your main character as he struggles to do his work and uncover the ‘zero theorem’ that has him obsessed. It can showcase the state of our human condition as we struggle to understand that life is meaningless without our . .” [the rest of the message is cut off]
These are all the voicemails that could be retrieved before the mailbox got full. It’s amazing how much The Zero Theorem incorporated all of these suggestions. But what’s even more amazing is that it even got these messages at all seeing as how NO ONE IN THE ZERO THEOREM HAS A CELLPHONE OR VOICEMAIL!
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